Handling grief: The Shawl & Cindy Sheehan

Words cannot express how thankful I am to have a normal immediate family, specifically a normal mother who doesn’t obsess over the past and live in a state of frenzied grief.

That was the first thought that entered my mind after completing Cynthia Ozick’s The Shawl. Ozick’s tale portrays a woman named Rosa during and following the time of the Nazi reign. Rosa witnesses a Nazi guard murdering her daughter Magda and the incident scars her for the remainder of her life. She continues to live in the past, shows odd signs of grief (destroying her store and needing Magda’s shawl), and refuses to let anyone into her life.

As I read, I kept thinking, “Get over it! Move on and finish grieving!”

Then I realized that I hadn’t been through anything close to this traumatic. Strangely, my memory jumped to Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq in 2004.

Mrs. Sheehan claims that her son died "for nothing," taking extreme measures trying to prove her point. She lost her marriage and funds and many questioned her sanity because of her decisions.

I’m sure it’s difficult to let go and to finish grieving over events with such a magnitude as losing a loved one – especially a child – whether from the Holocaust or the war in Iraq. While I don’t agree with either woman’s methods or madness in grieving, I have no reference point for dealing with such an event. I can’t help but wonder how such an event would impact my own life and how I would handle such grief.

Write about yourself...in 100 words

So I cheated the system a little bit and made this over 100 words. I didn't think I would have any trouble writing my bio for WJI, but it was really hard for me to stick to such a short amount of words! Guess I need to work on being brief...being an English major has trained me to expound upon everything that I know while being a Journalism major has trained me to keep it short and sweet and still get the point across adequately. 

(The assignment was to write a 100 word bio, including journalism background and goals. Try it sometime and see if you go over, too.)

I’m a rising junior from Memphis, Tenn., studying journalism and English at Mississippi State University. I’m a news/online writer and photographer for our campus newspaper. I took newspaper courses in high school, gaining writing, photography and editing experience. I’ve freelanced with The Commercial Appeal and will do so again this summer. 

I plan on attending graduate school and hope to work with a newspaper or magazine, possibly focusing on non-profit and pro-life agencies.

As a Christian, I’m called to seek truth and share it with the world. I can think of no better profession for doing so than journalism.

See, just a glimpse...I guess I just want people to know more about me than just a blurb of 100 words. I thought about making it a string of random thoughts...like so: 

I'm on a first name basis with several of the AT&T hotline phone technicians because I've been through six or seven cell phones in two years. (Honestly, I take really good care of them, but they just stop working!) I've been in the PCA since I was six. I've never been on a roller coaster - just the thought of riding one scares me. I've lived in Memphis all my life and have never been to Graceland, but I've visited Graceland Too in Holly Springs, Miss. at least four times! I have a Mac and I'm never going back. I have arthritis and can't find my wrist brace at the moment...really hoping it's still packed in one of my boxes from moving back home from college. I have a learning disability that is frustrating but has taught and forced me to work hard in many aspects of life, especially school. I'm incredibly afraid of heights. I wouldn't dive into water or light a match until I was about 11. (Not sure exactly why. I guess I was scared?) I don't mind if you ask me questions about being adopted; in fact, I love telling people! I'm named after my great grandmother, and yes, if you forget my name, I'll answer to Audra, Aubrey, Audrey, Auburn, even Anna, but I would love it if you could remember my name. I think beautiful buildings, especially old churches, are wonderful. Probably 70 percent of my wardrobe is blue. I use guy's deodorant because it works better. I can't memorize to save my life. My jaw is completely out of alignment and I have TMJ, but I still love smiling, even though it's very crooked. I love my Trinity Hymnal. You'll be my new best friend if you can make me laugh. I have the most incredible family and home church in the world. I love going to a huge SEC school and I don't feel like I'm simply a number at a school of 16,000 (-ish) students. I love being from the South. Yes, my hair is naturally that curly and no, I've never colored it. Instead of reading me bedtime stories or singing to me, my daddy read my the children's catechism at night before bed (starting the day I came home for the first time!). I have Raynaud's, so it's okay/normal when my fingers and toes turn death blue or blood red. I'm incredibly allergic to MSG. I think it's really sad that Russians don't have/don't eat peanut butter. I'm a major night owl and can function for days with no sleep.

Okay, that's definitely enough and way more than anyone wants to read. Someone else needs to give bio writing a try while I keep reading my books and writing my other essays!

P.S. Got to attend a Derek Webb/Sandra McCracken concert in Memphis last night at Otherlands. They're incredible. If you're looking for new music, check them out.

I want to do anything but study

I realize this isn't a "thoughtful" post, but it will be awhile before I can sit down for some time to really think about things going on...

I'm nearing the end of my semester. It's crazy that I'm almost finished with my sophomore year. I still remember being the confused, lost freshman on a campus with countless buildings and a study body of around 16,000. Where has the time gone? Have I used it wisely? What do I have to show for my two years here? Where have I invested myself and do I need to continue those investments for my remaining two years? Where have I spent my time to further the Kingdom? What investments have helped me grow in my walk with the Lord? What investments have I made to serve others and make a difference in their lives? 

I keep telling everyone that I can't wait for summer and honestly, I'm really excited about it: family, New York, freelancing, maybe a new job, home church, reuniting with best friends, reading for enjoyment and not for school, being back in a big city. Despite all these things, it hit me last week how much I'm going to miss the things at school: all my incredible friends, RUF, the wonderful girls in community group, core group, random walks around campus, late night "exploration expeditions" of campus, staying up ridiculously late for various reasons, meeting new people, music team, 525, being able to walk almost anywhere that I need to go. I felt the same "torn" feeling going in to last summer, but I was really almost too busy at home last summer to think about feeling torn between the two places.

Anyway, moving on to this week. Maybe posting all this will help me get my thoughts together and relieve some stress of having it all in my head? 

Today: Missed first class because I overslept. I think this is the first time that's ever happened. Met with a professor for help with one of the 10-page papers. Now on to writing newspaper interview questions, calling sources, setting up interviews; studying for cumulative AP Style test and current events quiz (last one of the year!); start Latin word list/final; work on two 10-page papers

Tuesday: The test and quiz; meet with a professor to get double major dropped to a single major (hooray!); continue with article, Latin, and papers

Wednesday: Latin quiz; college's cookout (serving); RUF banquet for the seniors (serving); studying like mad for an exam the next day

Thursday: 19th Century British Novels final exam; continue working on papers and Latin; study for Mass Media test; meet with a professor about the first paper; meet with the Writing Center to have a tutor examine said paper; RUF luau party/Suicidal Margarine farewell concert (I'm sad to think that I'll probably be missing that last event for the second year in a row)

Friday: One paper due; Mass Media test; Latin list/exam due; run a friend around town; keep writing my last paper of the semester

This week is going to be difficult, but so will everyone else's (probably?), and hey, it's life. (And all this makes exam week look a LOT better.) And as several sweet friends have reminded me, God is always faithful to give me the strength to complete everything that He has called me to do (even if it means not sleeping for a few nights).

God is good!

Got my approval for a freelance contract this summer that will enable to get my classroom fee waived for summer journalism school (assuming I get in)---thank you, Jesus!

Also received confirmation/peace/direction about changing one of my majors to a minor last night. Wow, what an incredible feeling of relief! I'm sticking with a Journalism major and an English minor...I'll hopefully go next week to figure out how that changes my courses for the next two years. 

Just wanted to share that good news! :) God is good!

A verse of encouragement

Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

As some of you may know, I have recently been going through the "what in the world am I going to do with my life/major" phase. Up until now, I haven't ever wondered about my major (I knew it would always be English and then later Journalism) and haven't really bothered to think about specific career plans. I know many others that have struggled with these thoughts before, and now I'm right there with you---it is so difficult!

After a meeting with several advisers, I found out that I am NOT set to graduate on time; in fact, I need another semester here. Major bummer because scholarships won't cover that semester and I really don't want to graduate a semester late anyway. Over the past few weeks, I've been figuring out the logistics of summer school, taking extra hours, and trying to get some two-for-one deals as far as course credits go (pretty unsuccessful on that last one, but hey, I've tried!).

I sat down last night to plan my fall 2008 schedule, plan my summer school courses, and look into online/correspondence courses here at MSU. To my dismay, almost nothing I need is offered during the times I need. My plans have/will quickly change: summer school means one night class instead of my plan of two morning classes, correspondence means taking one of my major department requirements online next year (instead of taking an easy core requirement online), and fall 2008 means 18 hours (6 courses) when I'm already swamped with 16 hours this semester. YIKES.

I went to bed disappointed and frustrated because all I'll lack to graduate on time is 3 courses (9 hours). I planned to take care of all those this year (2 summer classes and one correspondence course during the fall added to my 15 normal hours during fall 2008).

During my devotion time this afternoon (part of the time, I'm reading through Psalms), I read Psalm 143. It's a psalm of David where he asks the Lord to hear his prayers. I immediately connected with David's plea and noticed one verse in particular:

Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

These words were such an encouragement to me. I've asked God if it's His will for me to continue with two majors and I've asked Him to open the doors to the courses that I need to graduate on time. Despite my plans not going as I had hoped, I know His steadfast love and I do trust Him to provide what He wants for me, not what I want on my own. He is always faithful to direct me and listens to my cries for help.

Just thought this verse was particularly encouraging and so appropriate for how I've felt these past few weeks. Hope it blesses you and reminds you that God is always faithful to direct your path.

Passed up a perfectly good witnessing opportunity

Last night, I passed up a perfectly good witnessing opportunity, one that I have been praying (for several months now) that God would send me. I honestly can't believe it. When the opportunity presented itself, I consciously thought about what I could say and then didn't say it. 

I was helping a friend of mine study when she informed me that an older friend of hers had just committed suicide. I expressed my sympathy and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She told me a little about it and noted that it was a very sad situation. He had lost his mother several years ago and hadn't been able to get over it. In his suicide note, he mentioned that he was going to be with her.

Wow, talk about an open door for witnessing! I could have immediately jumped in and asked her, "Was he a Christian?" Perhaps this wouldn't have been exactly the right question, but the door was open and I could have taken it down several different paths. I know that this girl may not be a Christian, despite her sweet, caring spirit. I could see that she was sad and that this death had shaken her. What better time to carefully and gently use the gospel message to bring her some hope?

I'm short on time and thus cannot go into detail, but needless to say, I didn't take advantage of the opportunity and I regret it immensely. Who am I to doubt God's plan and God's open door for me into this girl's life? Was I worried about how she would respond? If so, why? This is her salvation we're talking about, not how it makes me look or even how she handles the gospel message. It really seems like I'm too concerned about how I think she will handle my message instead of thinking with an eternal perspective. What if she really isn't a Christian? I just wasted an open door to witness to her and bring her hope during a difficult trial.

I'm praying that God would give me another opportunity with this precious friend. She graduates this summer and will be returning to her country, so my time is short. Will you join me in praying for another opportunity and ask that God would help me to be obedient and willing to go through the doors that He opens for me?

Heaven received a new angel today!

Earth lost one of the most godly, kind, and selfless men that I know today...but heaven has gained a wonderful new angel, and in that, I rejoice!

His name is Mr. Roy, and he has attended my home church since before I came (over fifteen years). He fell ill last week and went to be with the Lord today. For years, he patiently served his wife (who went to be with the Lord probably five or so years ago), as he wheeled her around their home, the church, and anywhere else they went. He stuck with her even as she lost her mind and forgot who he was. I know it couldn't have been easy, but he loved Ms. Billie until the very end!

Perhaps most memorably (at least to me), he served the children in the church for years by giving them candy (that he bought out of his own pocket) for YEARS. We're not talking about hanging out 20 pieces of candy to random children at church here. Every Sunday, Mr. Roy, aka "The Candy Man" parked himself (and in more recent years, his walker) in the same spot in the church hall after Sunday School. Children of all ages come every Sunday and hold our their hands as he carefully places candy in each palm. The chorus of "thank-yous" is sweet to hear, but perhaps sweetest of all is watching Mr. Roy's gentle face smile and gently murmur, "You're welcome."

In serving the children of the church, Mr. Roy has served the youth and the college students of the church as well. When I first came to my church, I was one of the children who crowded around Mr. Roy for candy. While he would still give us candy no matter how old we got, he ministered to the older kids by writing us letters on our birthdays, holidays, and graduations. Receiving a letter from Mr. Roy on a birthday or holiday was a treat. I still remember holding up the plain white sheets of paper with an elderly man's scrawled but beautiful handwriting. He always included several verses and a meditation or devotion of those verses. He closed saying he was always praying for you and thinking about you (and you KNEW that he was!) and signed his letters, "Your friend, Roy N."

The last letter I received from Mr. Roy was during my freshman year of college on my 19th birthday. I almost couldn't believe that he had taken the time to hand write a letter, share his wisdom, find out my college address, write everything down, and have it mailed. I still remember standing in the MSU post office with tears in my eyes, clutching the letter and thanking God for this beautiful, selfless man that had been such a blessing and picture of Christ in my life over the years.

Riveroaks (my home church) will not be the same without Mr. Roy. There will be several voids: his walker missing from the hall, the crowd of children clustering around his "spot" by the church library, his seat at the end of one of the left side middle pews in the sanctuary, and of course, Mr. Roy himself.

Mr. Roy knew what it was to serve and he didn't seek any glory in doing so. Whether it be watching him minister to others, listening to his frail voice as he shared his wisdom during a Sunday class, smiling as he took a toddler or a baby for a "wild ride" on his walker/chair, reading his letters, listening to his deep yet trembling voice as he sang the hymns at church, or watching him hand candy to children, it is so evident that he built his life and his hope upon the firm rock of Jesus Christ.

I know that the angels rejoiced today when he joined them and I know that he is certainly rejoicing with them even now!

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’s blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’s Name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,

Support me in the whelming flood.

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,

Oh may I then in Him be found.

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.
-Words by Edward Mote, circa 1843