I want to do anything but study

I realize this isn't a "thoughtful" post, but it will be awhile before I can sit down for some time to really think about things going on...

I'm nearing the end of my semester. It's crazy that I'm almost finished with my sophomore year. I still remember being the confused, lost freshman on a campus with countless buildings and a study body of around 16,000. Where has the time gone? Have I used it wisely? What do I have to show for my two years here? Where have I invested myself and do I need to continue those investments for my remaining two years? Where have I spent my time to further the Kingdom? What investments have helped me grow in my walk with the Lord? What investments have I made to serve others and make a difference in their lives? 

I keep telling everyone that I can't wait for summer and honestly, I'm really excited about it: family, New York, freelancing, maybe a new job, home church, reuniting with best friends, reading for enjoyment and not for school, being back in a big city. Despite all these things, it hit me last week how much I'm going to miss the things at school: all my incredible friends, RUF, the wonderful girls in community group, core group, random walks around campus, late night "exploration expeditions" of campus, staying up ridiculously late for various reasons, meeting new people, music team, 525, being able to walk almost anywhere that I need to go. I felt the same "torn" feeling going in to last summer, but I was really almost too busy at home last summer to think about feeling torn between the two places.

Anyway, moving on to this week. Maybe posting all this will help me get my thoughts together and relieve some stress of having it all in my head? 

Today: Missed first class because I overslept. I think this is the first time that's ever happened. Met with a professor for help with one of the 10-page papers. Now on to writing newspaper interview questions, calling sources, setting up interviews; studying for cumulative AP Style test and current events quiz (last one of the year!); start Latin word list/final; work on two 10-page papers

Tuesday: The test and quiz; meet with a professor to get double major dropped to a single major (hooray!); continue with article, Latin, and papers

Wednesday: Latin quiz; college's cookout (serving); RUF banquet for the seniors (serving); studying like mad for an exam the next day

Thursday: 19th Century British Novels final exam; continue working on papers and Latin; study for Mass Media test; meet with a professor about the first paper; meet with the Writing Center to have a tutor examine said paper; RUF luau party/Suicidal Margarine farewell concert (I'm sad to think that I'll probably be missing that last event for the second year in a row)

Friday: One paper due; Mass Media test; Latin list/exam due; run a friend around town; keep writing my last paper of the semester

This week is going to be difficult, but so will everyone else's (probably?), and hey, it's life. (And all this makes exam week look a LOT better.) And as several sweet friends have reminded me, God is always faithful to give me the strength to complete everything that He has called me to do (even if it means not sleeping for a few nights).

God is good!

Got my approval for a freelance contract this summer that will enable to get my classroom fee waived for summer journalism school (assuming I get in)---thank you, Jesus!

Also received confirmation/peace/direction about changing one of my majors to a minor last night. Wow, what an incredible feeling of relief! I'm sticking with a Journalism major and an English minor...I'll hopefully go next week to figure out how that changes my courses for the next two years. 

Just wanted to share that good news! :) God is good!

A verse of encouragement

Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

As some of you may know, I have recently been going through the "what in the world am I going to do with my life/major" phase. Up until now, I haven't ever wondered about my major (I knew it would always be English and then later Journalism) and haven't really bothered to think about specific career plans. I know many others that have struggled with these thoughts before, and now I'm right there with you---it is so difficult!

After a meeting with several advisers, I found out that I am NOT set to graduate on time; in fact, I need another semester here. Major bummer because scholarships won't cover that semester and I really don't want to graduate a semester late anyway. Over the past few weeks, I've been figuring out the logistics of summer school, taking extra hours, and trying to get some two-for-one deals as far as course credits go (pretty unsuccessful on that last one, but hey, I've tried!).

I sat down last night to plan my fall 2008 schedule, plan my summer school courses, and look into online/correspondence courses here at MSU. To my dismay, almost nothing I need is offered during the times I need. My plans have/will quickly change: summer school means one night class instead of my plan of two morning classes, correspondence means taking one of my major department requirements online next year (instead of taking an easy core requirement online), and fall 2008 means 18 hours (6 courses) when I'm already swamped with 16 hours this semester. YIKES.

I went to bed disappointed and frustrated because all I'll lack to graduate on time is 3 courses (9 hours). I planned to take care of all those this year (2 summer classes and one correspondence course during the fall added to my 15 normal hours during fall 2008).

During my devotion time this afternoon (part of the time, I'm reading through Psalms), I read Psalm 143. It's a psalm of David where he asks the Lord to hear his prayers. I immediately connected with David's plea and noticed one verse in particular:

Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

These words were such an encouragement to me. I've asked God if it's His will for me to continue with two majors and I've asked Him to open the doors to the courses that I need to graduate on time. Despite my plans not going as I had hoped, I know His steadfast love and I do trust Him to provide what He wants for me, not what I want on my own. He is always faithful to direct me and listens to my cries for help.

Just thought this verse was particularly encouraging and so appropriate for how I've felt these past few weeks. Hope it blesses you and reminds you that God is always faithful to direct your path.

Passed up a perfectly good witnessing opportunity

Last night, I passed up a perfectly good witnessing opportunity, one that I have been praying (for several months now) that God would send me. I honestly can't believe it. When the opportunity presented itself, I consciously thought about what I could say and then didn't say it. 

I was helping a friend of mine study when she informed me that an older friend of hers had just committed suicide. I expressed my sympathy and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She told me a little about it and noted that it was a very sad situation. He had lost his mother several years ago and hadn't been able to get over it. In his suicide note, he mentioned that he was going to be with her.

Wow, talk about an open door for witnessing! I could have immediately jumped in and asked her, "Was he a Christian?" Perhaps this wouldn't have been exactly the right question, but the door was open and I could have taken it down several different paths. I know that this girl may not be a Christian, despite her sweet, caring spirit. I could see that she was sad and that this death had shaken her. What better time to carefully and gently use the gospel message to bring her some hope?

I'm short on time and thus cannot go into detail, but needless to say, I didn't take advantage of the opportunity and I regret it immensely. Who am I to doubt God's plan and God's open door for me into this girl's life? Was I worried about how she would respond? If so, why? This is her salvation we're talking about, not how it makes me look or even how she handles the gospel message. It really seems like I'm too concerned about how I think she will handle my message instead of thinking with an eternal perspective. What if she really isn't a Christian? I just wasted an open door to witness to her and bring her hope during a difficult trial.

I'm praying that God would give me another opportunity with this precious friend. She graduates this summer and will be returning to her country, so my time is short. Will you join me in praying for another opportunity and ask that God would help me to be obedient and willing to go through the doors that He opens for me?

Heaven received a new angel today!

Earth lost one of the most godly, kind, and selfless men that I know today...but heaven has gained a wonderful new angel, and in that, I rejoice!

His name is Mr. Roy, and he has attended my home church since before I came (over fifteen years). He fell ill last week and went to be with the Lord today. For years, he patiently served his wife (who went to be with the Lord probably five or so years ago), as he wheeled her around their home, the church, and anywhere else they went. He stuck with her even as she lost her mind and forgot who he was. I know it couldn't have been easy, but he loved Ms. Billie until the very end!

Perhaps most memorably (at least to me), he served the children in the church for years by giving them candy (that he bought out of his own pocket) for YEARS. We're not talking about hanging out 20 pieces of candy to random children at church here. Every Sunday, Mr. Roy, aka "The Candy Man" parked himself (and in more recent years, his walker) in the same spot in the church hall after Sunday School. Children of all ages come every Sunday and hold our their hands as he carefully places candy in each palm. The chorus of "thank-yous" is sweet to hear, but perhaps sweetest of all is watching Mr. Roy's gentle face smile and gently murmur, "You're welcome."

In serving the children of the church, Mr. Roy has served the youth and the college students of the church as well. When I first came to my church, I was one of the children who crowded around Mr. Roy for candy. While he would still give us candy no matter how old we got, he ministered to the older kids by writing us letters on our birthdays, holidays, and graduations. Receiving a letter from Mr. Roy on a birthday or holiday was a treat. I still remember holding up the plain white sheets of paper with an elderly man's scrawled but beautiful handwriting. He always included several verses and a meditation or devotion of those verses. He closed saying he was always praying for you and thinking about you (and you KNEW that he was!) and signed his letters, "Your friend, Roy N."

The last letter I received from Mr. Roy was during my freshman year of college on my 19th birthday. I almost couldn't believe that he had taken the time to hand write a letter, share his wisdom, find out my college address, write everything down, and have it mailed. I still remember standing in the MSU post office with tears in my eyes, clutching the letter and thanking God for this beautiful, selfless man that had been such a blessing and picture of Christ in my life over the years.

Riveroaks (my home church) will not be the same without Mr. Roy. There will be several voids: his walker missing from the hall, the crowd of children clustering around his "spot" by the church library, his seat at the end of one of the left side middle pews in the sanctuary, and of course, Mr. Roy himself.

Mr. Roy knew what it was to serve and he didn't seek any glory in doing so. Whether it be watching him minister to others, listening to his frail voice as he shared his wisdom during a Sunday class, smiling as he took a toddler or a baby for a "wild ride" on his walker/chair, reading his letters, listening to his deep yet trembling voice as he sang the hymns at church, or watching him hand candy to children, it is so evident that he built his life and his hope upon the firm rock of Jesus Christ.

I know that the angels rejoiced today when he joined them and I know that he is certainly rejoicing with them even now!

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’s blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’s Name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,

Support me in the whelming flood.

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,

Oh may I then in Him be found.

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.
-Words by Edward Mote, circa 1843

"My grace is sufficient for you..."

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (emphasis added) Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

- II Corinthians 12:7-10

These past few weeks have probably been the busiest weeks of my life. I have never experienced such a heavy workload with courses, meetings, papers, sickness, assignments, articles, and other matters...nor have I gone this long on so little sleep! (I'm averaging a bedtime around 2:30 and getting up around 7:45, and no, I don't recommend it!) My time with the Lord has greatly suffered (especially my morning quiet times), but I have found that in this time of utter chaos, I'm longing to spend time with the Lord. While my time in the Word is lacking (which I'm working on), I'm spending time in prayer...why? because I see that I need Him. I know that I cannot make it through a day, much less a week or a month, without crying out to my Heavenly Father. It is in times of chaos, confusion, and trouble that I turn to God (although it should be at all times). Despite how hard these past few weeks have been (and will continue to be), I'm so thankful that God is using all of this to draw me to Himself and call me to trust on Him for my strength.

As I made my to-do list tonight, I was immediatly overwhelmed and thought, "How in the world am I going to finish everything?" The passage from II Corinthians came to my mind. While Paul's speaking about a thorn in the flesh, perhaps chaos and business is my thorn right now. God has called me to be faithful, to work hard, and not to back down from what He has called me to do (and as I keep reminding myself, right now, He's called me to be a student!). No matter how I overwhelmed or inadequate I feel, I KNOW that He is there sustaining me and guiding my footsteps. 

It seems that most of my friends are in the middle of chaos, confusion, pain, or just overall crazy/busy semesters. Let II Corinthians 12:7-10 be an encouragement to us and a reminder to rest in Him and not what we can do. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses and He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us! (Deut. 31:8)

Am I really reaching out to others?

I'm part of RUF (Reformed University Fellowship) here at MSU. It's a campus ministry that was started by the PCA (Presbyterian Church in America) and I love it dearly. I'm on the core group (a sort of leadership/feedback/accountability team) for it and we meet once a week to discuss the ministry, plan events, give feedback on how things are going, have a Bible study, pray for RUF and each other, along with other things.

One of our reoccuring prayer requests is that we would reach out to our school community and that God would bring more students into the ministry. During the core group meeting on Monday, our campus minister took this request a step further. He asked each of us to think of four or five students, pray for those students, and ask those students to attend RUF. He said if this was difficult for us to do, it was due to two things: one, we don't really like RUF enough to ask people to come with us; or two, we don't have any friends outside of RUF.

I was struck by how long it took me to think of four or five names. (Granted, probably 90 percent of my friends are through RUF, but I still have many friends---both Christians and non-Christians---that are not involved in a campus ministry.) I would think of someone and then immediately write them off by saying, "They're not interested in Christianity" or "I don't know them well enough" or "They've got another meeting on Thursday nights" or "I'm not sure what they'll think of me when I ask"...the list goes on.

Then it hit me---God sent His only Son to die for the sins of His people so that we might be saved, thus enabled to have communion and fellowship with Him and have everlasting life through His atoning sacrifice. God sent His only Son to die for me and to save me. Don't I want others to have that salvation? Shouldn't I be telling everyone I meet about that salvation? Am I really so concerned about what people will think of me that I'm unwilling to ask them to a campus ministry when I should be concerned about their salvation? This is not about me; this is about what God has done. This is a matter of life or death---without salvation, these people are going to perish. Do I care so much about my appearance to others that I don't care about asking people to a ministry that God could use to bring them salvation?

I also need to be concerned about those of my friends that are Christians but aren't plugged into a church and/or a campus ministry (a side note: I recommend both! RUF isn't a substitute for church!). God commands us in the Bible to be in close fellowship with fellow believers and to spend time studying the Word, praying with and for one another, and teaching and encouraging one another. That's not something you can do all by yourself; you need a community where the Bible is studied and preached, where confession of sin occurs, where prayer occurs, where mercy ministries are practiced, where sacraments are observed (church), and where believers can lift one another up and challenge one another in the Lord.

One of my greatest desires for RUF is that it would expand and truly reach out to those who are lost, hurting, and searching. If that really is my desire, my list should have been filled instantly after Nathan asked his question. I should have pulled out my phone immediately after core group to call friends, talking to classmates in between classes, and visiting with my neighbors in the dorm, keeping the issue of their salvation close in mind. 

So, here's my list. I've changed the names so that no one will recognize anyone but I've posted it here to publically remind me of this goal. It isn't complete, but it's a start. This is not a judgment list; this is what each of these individuals has either told me or what I have gathered from knowing them:

1. Katie (put-off with the churches and ministries)

2. Cam (simply needs Jesus in his life and is willing to come when someone asks him)

3. Mary (needs godly friends in her life)

4. Vicky (foreign student who says religion is not important or relevant in her country; again, needs Jesus!)

5. Laney (needs to be plugged in to a Christian community, specifically one that provides Biblical teaching, not just Christian friends)

6. Megan (desires to be consistent with one campus ministry and wants/needs to be involved)

7. Terri (foreign student who has already gone through some hard things this semester and is searching)

8. John (needs to get reconnected in a Christian community and desparately needs godly friends to challenge him to stay faithful)